What You Leave Behind: To the Person who Considers Suicide
To someone considering suicide. Please read this before you think any further...
I looked into the angelic face of my little girl watching a father/daughter dance at a wedding where she was the flower girl. She stood on the outside of the cleared dance floor. I couldn’t help but turn away as the ache in my heart became too great to bear in that moment. Her tiny face was filled with so much wonder as she watched the “pretty princess” glide around the dance floor with her father. She carried hope, curiosity and awe in her innocent green eyes. I could only thank God that she wasn’t old enough to know. As I stood there, I wondered if she thought that would be her one day. I question when will she comprehend that her daddy chose to move on and leave her behind. No first dance, no father daughter dates, no one to walk her down the aisle. At what age will she understand these things? She knows daddy is gone. I hear her say “bye, bye daddy” as she waves at the sky above. Consequently, what I know is that these questions will surface one day, and I can only pray for the grace and wisdom to answer them.
Every day, for weeks my son watched for his dad to come home. He waited by the front window at the same time every afternoon. It was always like Christmas morning to see his daddy bounce through the door each day. He would look out the windows and watch the birds flitter and the squirrels prance around the trees as he anticipated his dad’s car to drive up. After his dad passed away, my son waited for two weeks for him to come home, except he didn’t come and as heart breaking as it is, he never will.
Why am I telling you this? Because suicide ruins more lives than just yours. It’s not the face in the mirror that’s the only life you end, it’s the faces of those closest to you. It’s your spouse, your children, your family, your friends and so many more. It’s the faces of those you had an impact on and those you could have helped in the future. It’s the very faces you see that you think you are helping by making this choice. You may think that you are doing your loved ones a favor by taking your life--YOU ARE NOT. You may believe that this is the only way--IT IS NOT. You leave behind so much more than you will ever know.
Suicide starts with a thought and/or belief about oneself. More often, suicidal thoughts are the result of feeling like you don’t have hope for the future when faced with an overwhelming situation. Suicide is often accompanied with abysmal feelings of depression and struggles with mental illness. This was the case with my late husband. He was kind, compassionate and loved well. He had a heart for the marginalized and most likely related to them because he understood grace in a way that he hadn’t before. However, I knew his struggles when I met him. I walked by him day by day as he faced deep feelings of inadequacy, depression, and the stress of a performance based lifestyle. He tried everything to make it fit and to help it go away. He worked endlessly to hide the fact that he struggled. He was on and off anti-depressants, and he was in counseling. He turned to opioids in 2016 to ease his physical pain (from the stress of shingles and cancer), but it slowly turned into an emotional outlet as well. And though he got clean in August of 2017 and stayed clean, he continued to face the same feelings of depression and shame. But, they progressed and became more difficult to overcome. I know the battle far too well. I am not angry at my husband for wanting it to go away. I saw first-hand how Satan can use it to make you feel hopeless and believe that there is no other way. I am simply overwhelmed with sadness that he chose to stop fighting. However, suicide was NEVER the answer to his problem.
In 2016, suicide became the second-leading cause of death for ages 10-34 and the fourth-leading cause for ages 35-54. My late husband was 31. Last year, 47,000 people committed suicide. The total number of suicide deaths was the highest in a half-century and up more than 2,000 from 2016 (centers for disease control and prevention).
It is a rising epidemic in our world today. As a therapist, I have worked with people who have been affected by suicide. As a pastor’s wife, we worked with families who had loved ones take their lives. Never did I think it would be my husband who would make that final choice. I am not only someone on the sidelines observing anymore- I am now forced in the fight. My heart breaks to see more and more people, especially young men in ministry, taking their own lives. They have families and friends. They love the Lord. What is happening?
Satan is working endlessly to steal our hope. He comes to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10). He uses your hurts, your pains, your insecurities to make you believe you are less than and that you do not matter. IT IS A LIE. Please stop that lie! Our fight isn’t against our own flesh and blood but against the darkness and against the spiritual forces of evil (Ephesians 6:12). Proclaim truth and do not allow Satan to win this battle in your life.
Please stop to see the faces of those who you would be destroying by taking someone they love so dearly. Think of those who will look out the window and wait for you to come home. Think of those who won’t have someone to be there for them, dance with them, talk to them, laugh with them, love them, or kiss them goodnight. Think of those who see your empty chair, who hear the faint sound of your laughter only to glance and see you aren’t there. Think of those who cry, scream and beg God to bring you back. Think of us. No matter what place you are in, or how tired you are, or what you think in that moment--Don’t believe the lie that it’s better to be gone than to live facing it.
My sweet husband was hurting and in more pain than anyone knew, and he took his life. However, he will never know what he left behind. But, we always will. God was nowhere close to being finished with my husband on this earth. I’d like to think, He looked at Eric and said that to him when he went to heaven. I can confidently say that I know that HE IS NOT FINISHED WITH YOU. You breathe for a reason. The Lord can (and will) use your pain to write the most beautiful story. Your depression, mental illness, broken relationships, shame, or impossible situations are redeemable by our powerful Creator. As long as you have breath, you live and stand to proclaim that God is bigger (Job 27). Keep fighting.
If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, PLEASE reach out to someone and continue reaching out. I can guarantee you that you are not alone. We are all broken, and it’s ok. It’s what we do with our brokenness. Stand on truth. “You ARE a person of worth because of what Jesus says, not because of what society labels you.” (Eric Garland) Share your story, keep fighting and do not give up