The Truth Is: Processing Grief
I miss Eric. I miss his sincere presence. I miss his laugh. I miss the joy he brings to a room. I miss the way the babies light up when they see his face. I miss it all.
Grief isn’t linear. Grief has no end date. Oh how I wish it did. I once believed that time healed all wounds, but in reality I feel like this isn’t entirely true. Time helps me process and it helps me grow, but things trigger my mind and make me go right back to the moment I knew he was gone-- the moments that I do not revisit often; and the moments when he was by my side, smiling right at me. I’m starting to accept that this wound won’t heal the way I thought it would. I will learn how to live with it, knowing that the most beautiful thing in this world is redemption--showing where God has saved and how He has brought us through.
Grief isn’t a straight line that you follow. It’s a painful and puzzling path. Have you ever tried to complete a maze where there is no end? I feel like I stay in that maze some days—unable to see what’s ahead and unable to find my way back. I’m lost, broken, frustrated and worn. I often sit as a child, waiting—waiting for the Lord to pick me up because I have no strength to keep moving forward with no view of what’s ahead. I wait, holding onto hope, knowing that God will provide a light directing me through this confusion. I wait, trusting in the promises that He makes all things new and that His mercies are fresh every morning (Lamentations 3:22-24). I wait, believing that we will dream again.
I’m not sure when it will be "okay" or if I’ll ever feel “normal”, but I’m fighting every day. I am taking back what was taken from me. I am not allowing Satan to have a foothold anymore. I’m proclaiming my freedom from that darkness, and I’m standing on the ground that the enemy once thought he had won.
I may fall to my knees in affliction and cry in the distances of a dark room in hopes that no one can hear me. I may battle fear and shame and daily fight the messages that tell me that I failed, that I’m not good enough, not strong enough, and that I don’t deserve the goodness God so graciously provides. But, I will win the battle that wages against me. I will proclaim the Name of the one who has already saved me. I will rest by the calm waters that soothe my soul. Because I know that God has already won. He goes before me, behind me, beside me and with me as I keep taking one step in front of the other.
The truth is, I am tired.
The truth is, I do not possess enough strength.
The truth is, I don’t understand.
The truth is, I barely survive some days.
The truth is, the pain is sometimes too much to bear.
But
The truth is, YOU are God.
The truth is, YOU are in all things.
The truth is, YOU never leave my side.
The truth is, YOU will fight for me.
The truth is, your presence, your peace and your love keeps me
going.
And when I close my eyes, I find myself carrying a dim smile as I am reminded--you are the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. My hope is in YOU, and, therefore, it will be okay.
If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, PLEASE reach out to someone and continue reaching out. I can guarantee you that you are not alone. We are all broken, and it’s ok. It’s what we do with our brokenness. Stand on truth. “You ARE a person of worth because of what Jesus says, not because of what society labels you.” (Eric Garland) Share your story, keep fighting and do not give up
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
https://www.krissiejoy.com/2019/01/25/erics-story/