The First Year
How has it been a year since we lost a loved husband, father, family member and friend? I have thought a lot about this day. What would it be like? What would it look like. Looking back on this day last year, I never thought I would last a day, much less 365 of them. The grief was far too great and the loss of Eric was too much pain to carry. Suicide was a word that didn’t directly affect me before, but now it will forever be etched into my life and into the lives of so many.
As I have thought about what to share today, I began to pray. I have written out my thoughts, feelings, cries, and expressions. Yet, as I pray, there is one message that I feel like needs to be shared, especially on this day. I am often asked what I think Eric would say if he were here. Honestly, I had no idea how to answer that until the Lord led me to share this:
Eric believed in the gospel. The gospel that God sent his Son Jesus to be born among man, to live sinless among the sinful, and to die, taking all of our sins to the cross with Him. Jesus took our pain, our suffering, and every thing we deserved upon himself to his death so that we didn’t have to take it and experience it. And, because Jesus was God, He was raised to life three days later to show us that we didn’t have to stay dead in our sin. Through Jesus’ sacrifice and resurrection, we are given new life through Him. This message, the gospel, has kept me alive every single day this year. These truths have forged me to get up everyday and keep fighting…
• The comfort in knowing that Eric stands redeemed in the presence of our Savior because he gave his life to Jesus.
• The hope that even death didn’t stop God, and He has the power to overcome every tear, every inch of pain, every disease, and every part of our suffering, because He knew and He has promised over and over to be with us through it all.
• The knowledge that one day (when God calls us home), it will ALL be okay. This life, the good and the bad, will end with an eternal glory if we know and trust in Jesus. One day we will understand everything that we go through and know that the things we thought we would never overcome, will be seen so clearly.
Eric struggled. We all do in different ways. We fight, we grieve, we hurt so deeply, we cry out to God and ask for understanding. BUT THE GOSPEL stays the same in our everyday lives. My faith in the gospel and in the knowledge that God so compassionately walks with me on this painful path, has kept me going. Faith is the ground on which I stand, the air in which I gasp, and the strength in which pushes me forward. Eric’s death instantly brought about fear, but when the fear was great, it brought even greater faith.
If you know Jesus, keep fighting and trusting that God is with you, that he hasn’t forgotten you, that you are NOT alone, and that it really is okay to not feel okay. If you do not know Jesus, please know Him today! This life, these pains that groan in the deepest parts of you, the life given to you and the very air you breath in, is from a God who unconditionally loves you and created you for a purpose.
When I think about Eric’s life, I think about the importance of the gospel, and I pray that others will too. He was human, he dealt with what so many of us wrestle with, but he believed in the gospel and he loved the Lord. His faith in Jesus was strong and I have never doubted that. We need to continue the conversation about mental illness, about addiction, and about the many struggles that we feel so ashamed to talk about. We need to talk about them openly and with grace. In discussing them, we need the heart of the gospel to always be at the forefront as well as intertwined in our conversations with those who are hurting.
This is what is important to share today and everyday. My dear Eric, you are missed and you are so greatly loved. May God continue to use your life here on earth. May we remember your laugh, your heart to love everyone, and the message that you spent your years sharing. Until we see you again.
If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, PLEASE reach out to someone and continue reaching out. I can guarantee you that you are not alone. We are all broken, and it’s ok. It’s what we do with our brokenness. Stand on truth. “You ARE a person of worth because of what Jesus says, not because of what society labels you.” (Eric Garland) Share your story, keep fighting and do not give up.